It's been two days since my boyfriend knew about what I've been hiding and it didn't turn out as bad as I have expected. Maybe because I didn't actually cheat on him, but I wasn't totally honest either, but being the understanding boyfriend, he still forgave me for what I did.
I was expecting him to break up with me, and that was what I suggested him - to break up with me. I did that because I felt that he was too good for me, and that I didn't deserve him. I was torn into pieces when he called me while he was crying. I can say that I really hurt him, I didn't defend myself, all I did was to say that I was really sorry for what I did. He was asking for an explanation, but I don't know what to say. I didn't know why I did it in the first place and it's really bugging me for I have been trying to figure this out, but unfortunately, I can't find the right answers. I don't want to make up another story to cover up my mistakes, but I honestly don't know what to tell him either. I'm really afraid to lose him. It pained me to see him like that. I was hurt, I'm still hurt because after everything that he did for me, I was still able to betray him. I didn't cheat on him, but I lied, and for us, that's basically the same thing for we're not the kind of couple who hides stuff from each other.
He's coming over within a few minutes and I don't know what to do or what to say. I'm still ashamed of what I did. I love him and I regret everything that I have done against him. We're going to church later so that we could both be enlightened and calm before we talk to each other, which by the way was both our idea since God is the only one who could help us out, aside from ourselves that is.
There's a part of me that doesn't want this to be fixed because I love him so much and I hate seeing him like this. I hate myself for hurting him. Even though he was able to forgive me, I still can't find a way to forgive myself.
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